Thursday, September 25, 2008

Attention North Carolina drivers: Keeping to the right no longer dangerous!!

Officials have just announced that 3 of the 4 primary dangers of driving in the right lane of a multi-lane highway have been eradicated. Drivers should no longer feel the need to immediately move to the left lane of any freeway they may find themselves driving on.

Below are the previous dangers (remember, they've been eradicated! Don't panic!)

For years Zombies have lumbered along the right lanes of several NC highways, dining on the gray matter like it was Lexington barbecue. But no zombie attacks have been reported for three months and it is believed that the zombies have moved to Texas, preferring to dine on Armadillos (apparently their shells are less thick than NC drivers).

Some local residents near Mocksville believe that a right lane driver was killed by zombie attack, but officials have determined that No Zombie was involved. They assert it was feral dogs that used a cleaver to crack a man's skull and eat his brains.

Black Holes
A long-term menace to NC right lane drivers, black holes can appear at anytime (unlike black ice, which is limited to the winter months) and swallow vehicles whole. Once a vehicle crosses the event horizon, they are immediately sucked into the black hole never to be seen again. Some scientists believe they are emitted as particles from pulsars billions of light-years away. Others claim they are transported through wormholes to parallel dimensions. Some say they go to Tulsa.

But ever since CERN's Large Hadron Collider (LHC) has been operational, all rogue black holes have relocated to Switzerland, hoping for a front row seat for the end of the world.

Mismatched socks
Many drivers have noticed that crossing from the left lane into the right mysteriously causes their socks to become mismatched. While there is no explanation for this phenomenon, studies have shown that crossing back into the right lane reverts the socks back to their matched state 54% of the time.

So drivers can drive in the right lane until it is necessary to pass another vehicle, then return to the right lane, and still have a reasonable chance to arrive at their destination with coordinated hosiery. For the unfortunate few, remember that mismatched socks are a hoot at the office.

Efficiency is the one enemy of the right lane driver that we cannot eradicate. It seems that driving in the right lane until it is necessary to pass, then returning to the right lane, will always result in an increase to overall highway efficiency. Random braking for no apparent reason can alleviate some efficiency, but it can not eliminate it.

For those conscientious drivers trying to reduce their overall efficiency footprint, officials suggest purchasing efficiency vouchers from teenage slackers. Alternatively, one could take a government job to offset their efficiency footprint.